advice needed

[Deadeye 325]

Well you all have become some what of a brotherhood of great info. so I have discovered from my 5 year old daughter that my wife had a man over and they were hugging and kissing. Then took a shower and locked the door. I know a divorce is eminent but leagal advice and maby some ways to keep myself out of jail when i find him. she does not know I know yet.

[poolingmyignorance 2,191]

Call a lawyer. Don't waste time. Try not to let your temper/hurt get the better of you. Keep your daughters needs ahead of your pride. I'd wait till I spoke with my attorney before I even gave hint to her that I knew, remember judges tend to favor the women in most cases, so you'll need all the advantage you can get. Good luck, stay strong!

[haugpatr 972]

Sorry to hear that. Best advice I can give you right now is don't do anything crazy, your little girl doesn't need her daddy in jail. You will get through this, get a lawyer.

 

I really feel for ya man, be tought but not a tough guy.

 

 

[stnls1911 55]

Very sorry to hear this news, but as others have said, keep your cool. Fighting with the other guy will solve nothing, and you could catch a charge for assault. That would not look good if you got a custody hearing. Good luck, and godspeed deadeye.

[tim2shu 48]

Set up a camera get it on video and get a lawyer

[Dudethebagman 222]

judges tend to favor the women in most cases, so you'll need all the advantage you can get.

 

 

...That would not look good if you got a custody hearing.

 

Good advice above.

 

If you're going to have to go to court, you want the judge's sympathy. Blowing up would only hurt you and add insult to injury when the judge awards custody and all your stuff to your wife. If you're going to court, do it when you still have the moral high ground. Don't try to work it out if you can't forgive her. Just leave and be as dispassionate as you can.

 

Even though your daughter probably knows what she saw, you don't want her to feel like she's the one who blew up her parent's marriage. Try to keep her out of it.

 

I imagine that if you confront your wife with this info, you'll know whether your wife is telling you the truth. Just be prepared to leave and spend the night at a hotel or with a friend if your suspicions are confirmed. You don't want to be on an episode of COPS.

 

Sorry about your situation.

Edited September 10, 2011 by Dudethebagman

[Deadeye 325]

Thanks for the support. Hope I can keep it cool. Right now I am still shaking mad. More at her than him. I am going to talk to a lawyer on monday. I will probably need to take some time off work and sort things out. Do most lawyers need money up front?

[dayofruin 425]

Wow... Sorry to hear of anyone dealing with this. Everyone is right though. Best thing to do is get a lawyer. My uncle is getting ready to go through a divorce for the same shit. His wife of 20 years left for a younger man. Walked out on her family.

[Dudethebagman 222]

Do most lawyers need money up front?

 

It depends on how far they're taking it. They'll probably listen to your story and probably give you general advice about what not to do without immediate payment. They're definitely going to want you to sign a client agreement and and want some money up front before they write/file anything or spend any real time on it. If they take your case, you'll probably be billed for the initial interview. If they don't take your case because they're too busy or they refer you to someone else, they shouldn't charge you anything.

[DrThunder88 912]

Good luck on you legal headaches. Don't let your ego get the best of you, because it will not give it back.

Edited September 10, 2011 by DrThunder88

[HarvKY 72]

If you have joint bank accts, credit cards, etc then she is able to withdraw everything and charge to the limits.

 

Consider closing the accts and pulling out the cash on hand. legally you will likely owe her half, but document everything and consult a lawyer.

 

Harv

[Nailbomb 10,221]

DUDE that sucks hard.

 

Protect yourself first off, and cover your ass. you have some great advice from those above in this thread already.

 

Keep your cool. This isn't one of those situations where you win anything by reaction. Follow traditional rules of war, and kill her with kindness while you get a jump on the paperwork to do the divorce.

[DogMan 2,343]

i know you want to hate that guy but sometimes the "other man" is being lied to by the woman. That happened to me back in 1980 in Houston Texas when I went home with a woman who I thought was single and found myself in the middle of a great big mess involving friends of her husband who came over to the house and found me there. I didn't know this gal or anything about her or her situation except what she told me which was all a bunch of bullshit and now I was the bad guy, and about to get my ass beat. I managed to get out of there and learned a good lesson. So, something like this COULD be the case here, too.

[vulcan16 971]

Thanks for the support. Hope I can keep it cool. Right now I am still shaking mad. More at her than him. I am going to talk to a lawyer on monday. I will probably need to take some time off work and sort things out. Do most lawyers need money up front?

[ChileRelleno 7,071]

#1) No cheating Ho is worth Arrest, Fines, Time, Record & worst of all, loss of 2A Rights.

Fight the good fight for your lil'girl.

I strongly suggest doing the initial confrontation in a semi public place or with a trusted relative/friend present, this may help you restrain yourself if you blow your top.

This also protects you from false accusations of Domestic Violence... Witnesses.

Document conversations/meetings.

 

#2) Yeah, get proof of'er infidelities.

Will keep more cash and property in your possession, and if you seek custody it is a big plus.

Document everything.

 

#3) Yes, after the initial consultation, most lawyers require a retaining fee/deposit towards costs.

 

#4) Close all Bank Accounts, CCs, Investments & etc, take sole control of all finances.

Continue to fully support your lil'girl's interests... Pay all the bills for her, not the Ho.

Document everything.

 

#5) Remove all firearms to a trusted relative's/friend's safekeeping.

Again, this protects you from false accusations.

Edited September 10, 2011 by ChileRelleno

[Dad2142Dad 6,559]

You can keep it cool. If ya feel the need to talk, yell, scream or whatever, let us know. I do believe anyone of us will take a few minutes and be a verbal sounding board / punching bag.

[patriot 7,197]

I've been through a divorce too, although no kids were involved. Just a gold-digging spouse.

 

 

 

 

Don't say a word to her or let on you know.

 

Get proof on video. Small wireless video cameras are cheap. I suggest one in the bedroom, living room, and one where any vehicle would be parked.

 

Withdraw all but the minimum from any joint accounts.

 

Write down ALL account numbers of any separate accounts you know she has.

 

Cancel any credit accounts she has access to.

 

If you have a safe in the house, change the combination.

 

Remove any/all firearms and ammo. If they're not there, you can't be accused of brandishing, etc.

 

Be nice and wait it out until you have all the info you need, then hit her with the divorce paperwork. Have a witness there when you do this.

 

After you do this, kindly pack a suitcase for her and tell her you're sorry, but this is best for all of you.

 

After the divorce and custody are finalized, THEN call her a cheating bitch and throw the rest of her shit in the yard. (but not in front of the kid)

 

 

[Arik 565]

If you have a trusted close friend or reletive you might want to "sell" your firearms to them ("buy" them back at a later date). This way they are out of your hands and you are no longer the owner.

 

First, like Patriot said "Remove any/all firearms and ammo. If they're not there, you can't be accused of brandishing, etc."

 

Second, if it comes down to it and she tries to go after your stuff or their value, well you no longer own them.

 

But you have to have a close, trusting friend/relative who you know wont sell them or refuse to sell back.

[patriot 7,197]

...don't forget to transfer your vehicle to someone you trust.

 

If the house or any other property is in your name only, transfer it too.

 

 

 

 

Do this FIRST!

 

 

[DrThunder88 912]

i know you want to hate that guy but sometimes the "other man" is being lied to by the woman. That happened to me back in 1980 in Houston Texas when I went home with a woman who I thought was single and found myself in the middle of a great big mess involving friends of her husband who came over to the house and found me there. I didn't know this gal or anything about her or her situation except what she told me which was all a bunch of bullshit and now I was the bad guy, and about to get my ass beat. I managed to get out of there and learned a good lesson. So, something like this COULD be the case here, too.

Good point. The paramour may know he's cheating, but the married party certainly would.

Edited September 10, 2011 by DrThunder88

[Dudethebagman 222]

I'm not sure I'd try to just drain all the bank accounts and sell off all your assets. That would look like you're hiding them and playing games. Don't play games. You obviously don't want her to drain the accounts first, or run up a bunch of debt where you'll potentially be liable for half. If you do drain any joint accounts, open up a personal account and write her a check for half of the joint account. Keep receipts and records. That way you'll have a paper record and won't look like a dick who's trying to starve his poor wife, child, etc. by taking all the money.

 

I'm not sure whether you can close a joint account yourself. Try to get any checkbooks to the joint account to prevent any bad checks from being written.

 

Getting the guns out of the house would be a good idea, but you're not going to fool anyone by "selling" all your assets to your best friend, etc. She'll still get her chunk of the assets anyway, it'll just be in cash later.

 

But the above posts are right about you not wanting any DV accusations. If she accuses you of any, a judge will probably grant a temporary restraining order and the sheriff will show up and want to take your guns until the matter is resolved. Getting the guns out of the house and confronting her somewhere public are good strategies to avoid these kinds of things. Fake "selling" your guns may be enough to stop the sheriff from taking them in the meantime, but it won't avoid her getting her chunk of the property distribution. The best plan is to do your best to avoid any kind of accusation.

 

Don't fight over who gets to stay in the house and who leaves. Or over who the kids stay with in the meantime. It's not worth it. You can let the kids know that you're not the bad guy without trying to control everything and having a screaming match ("Mommy did something very wrong, now Daddy has to leave for a while to deal with Mommy's mistake"). Try to keep the kids out of it as much as possible. Don't try to use them for leverage, even if she does. That isn't right, and they'll figure it out when they're a little older. You may lose the battle but win the war.

 

While having the moral high ground will help you look more sympathetic to the judge and possibly get you a better share of the property distribution, you don't really need concrete proof of her infidelities if you live in a "no-fault" divorce state (which is most states, including Oregon). The grounds for the divorce will be "irreconcilable differences" or that the marriage is "irreparably broken." See http://en.wikipedia....e_United_States for a general rundown.

 

Heh. And delete your browsing history if your wife has access to your computer.

 

Most states divide the marital assets by "equitable distribution." That's not the same as "equal" distribution. This means if you are the sole breadwinner, she may get a larger share of the property so she isn't completely broke and unable to support herself (and the burden falls on you rather than on society). It's kind of a shit sandwich in your case and the law is based on outdated gender roles and assumptions (the helpless 60 year old divorcee who has no marketable skills because she spent her life as a homemaker, and is therefore unemployable and whose husband has always been the sole breadwinner). If she is able to support herself adequately, the assets will be divided more or less equally. The judge isn't supposed to consider fault in the property distribution, but probably will subconsciously. That's why it's important to keep the moral high ground.

 

Keep in mind that the judge will probably award joint custody unless your wife has some very serious issues or if you make yourself out to be a psycho (or the two of you agree otherwise). Do you want your kid staying with your ex if she has no money and lives in the ghetto? Unfortunately, the fact that you have a kid will assure that you'll have to keep dealing with your ex until the kid is at least 18. Don't make that any harder than it has to be.

 

I am not your lawyer, and this is just my personal advice.

Edited September 10, 2011 by Dudethebagman

[kodaline 178]

Bear in mind that your kid told you, and she probably told your wife that she told you.

 

Kids are not duplicitous by nature, but they want everyone to love them. Therefore, she told you because she

wanted to help you, and she probably then told your wife that she told you because she wants your wife to love

her, too.

 

So, Move Fast. See a lawyer Monday morning. Sell your guns to a friend, and I mean SELL them. Not one of these

1 dollar and contract things, I mean, have him give you cash money for them. Not 1 dollar. Give him a great deal, but

a believable deal, then shake his hand and agree, verbally, that he will sell them back for that amount. Obviously,

you must have a friend you can absolutely trust.

 

But, don't act anything other than normal, because she probably knows you know, and is being a vindictive bitch by

playing along that everything is normal....because women DO that. On the other hand, she may not know it.

 

Log out of this forum when you leave the PC, by the way.

[Deadeye 325]

Lots of great advice. I went and seen a lawyer He said I would cost $1700 for his time to do paper work and filing fees. If it goes to court $200 an hour after that. All this shit Is overwhelming. I wish someone would have warned me when I got maried How hard it is to take it back. I am going to sell my guns and my Truck to some good friends. I Hope I can hold on to the house. My girls are still my top priority. It is going to be tough to do it all.

[Brair 5]

Selling the guns to a good friend is a good idea. Before I bought a few of my current guns I only had one. With my ex she tried to tell everyone I was making a big deal and making sure she knew I had a gun by the way I have it out. That gun was said to be a 12 gauge. That gun was a single shot bolt action 22 that was my grandfather's which I learned to shoot with. I was cleaning it to remove some surface rust that had gotten on it and gave it a general cleaning. I was doing this while watching TV. That was a long time before she filed for divorce. It is funny how they can take things and blow them all out of proportion when you are dealing with a divorce. Everything you have said and done will be twisted if she thinks she can make you look bad. it will be hard and expect it to get ugly. Expect to be told you kick puppies when you can and are a lazy ..... Also expect you will be made out to be a bad father who exposes your kids to questionable if not out right dangerous things ( another good reason to be fun free now).

 

Make sure your lawyer is a divorce lawyer. Not just a general lawyer or a least one that handles of lot of divorces and wins.

 

This is going to take time and it will suck big time. Don't do anything stupid. Be real careful what you do until it is settled. That includes dating and letting your kids meet who you are dating. You don't want them to see everyone you wind up dating or just sleeping with. Be carefull drinking also. Last thing you need now is more ammo for her to use against you.

 

For your kids sake don't call their mother names or tear her down where they can hear. Kids can hear more than you realize. This is a permant rule. It will make things easier on them later.

 

 

btw I hope you are gathering evidence. Check cell phones, computers, email if you can. You would be surprised what you can find on a computer in cases like this.

[Black3 16]

OK, been here done this, and as soon as divorce proceedings begin, you're fucked unless you're really good at negotiating. She could be fucking dogs in front of your daughter and it wouldn't make any difference so don't start thinking you're gonna' prove she's a bad woman and all that stuff. Before you do, say, or show anything, get as much money stashed in cash as you can, get as many of the things that are personally important to you away as you can without it being obvious you're doing it, get guns and any knives not used at the dinner table away if possible. Don't say a hostile word to your ex-wife to be. Find a place to live 'cause as soon as she talks to a lawyer, your house isn't yours anymore. (There's a subplot here: you could take a page out of the womanbook and file domestic violence charges against her when you file for divorce, but be very brave if you decide to do this.)

 

If you're the one that files, neither she nor her lawyer will take you very seriously; men rarely file and can usually be dissuaded by a roll in the hay and sweet words, divorce is a woman's game. If you're gonna' do it, you have to be prepared to serve her with the complaint and say, "seeya' bitch." That also means you're not going to see your child for awhile. You'll ultimately get joint custody but she'll have the kid primarily because that's the way it is.

 

And, frankly, unless you're really religious and she was a virgin and all that when you married, think twice about this. You have a kid and the responsibility and love that goes with that. The pussy was used when you got it, and most of us can't really tell how much a pussy has been used. I mean if that's all it is, get over it; if you can find a way to keep on with your wife and raise your kid, do it. Even if it comes down to you do a "wham-bam, thank you 'mam" wife fuck now and then and get your jollies at the titty bar or whorehouse, do it, if that is what it takes to keep some semblance of normalcy, home life, and a decent place to raise a kid. If you have a kid, nothing about a divorce is good; remember that.

[thebuns1 4,323]

sorry to hear of this situation. ive been through it myself and it sucks. just try to stay as level headed as you can.

[gunfun 3,931]

I am going to give you a couple of small but hard pieces of advice.

 

1 Forgive her no matter what actions you choose. You need God to help you through this. Don't kid yourself. Being angry while justified, will hurt you and your daughter more than it hurts your wife. It just isn't worth it. It isn't a matter of what is right, this just comes down to what helps you and what doesn't. Bitterness is not going to make your crappy situation better. You know this. Don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise at all. They are going to talk you int making things worse.

 

2 Write off everything you have. Just let it go. Divorcing her won't get her out of your life. She is still your kid's mother and you will be interacting with her for the rest of your life. If you try to hold on to your stuff, the lawyers will get it and you will hate each other a hundred times worse. Instead, figure that your house, savings car, business , whatever, are worth letting go of to make the situation better for your daughter. This is a bit easier to swallow when you get realistic and realize you are probably going to loose all or most of it anyway. You might be able to cling to the price of a mercedes, but in 15 years, you will have made that money again anyway, and the continual mess for your daughter will still be there. I don't know how much you have, but even $200,000 is a price worth paying to buy a more workable relationship with your kid's mom. If let go voluntarily, you get the benefit, if you fight, it's all gone and you only get enmity for your trouble.

 

I'll pray for you. If you want more prayer, PM me and I will.

[Scott Kenny 144]

One other thing. No matter how mad you get, remember this: YOUR DAUGHTER COMES FIRST. Spending time in jail does your daughter NO GOOD.

 

When you stand in front of the Judge, tell him "My daughter comes first" first thing. Then calmly and with as little heat as you can, present your side of things. If you get mad, stop, apologize, ask for a break to collect yourself if you need it, and then keep going.

 

Now, come up with a plan of what you are willing to give her. The kid ain't on that list. Cars, well you need to get to work so that you can keep a roof over the kids head and food in her belly. If you are a handyman type, tools ain't on the list, either, because that's how you make the money to keep said roof over the kid. Cash? depends on the laws in your state, but your next paycheck needs to go into a new account withOUT her name on it, and explicit instructions to the bank *in writing* that despite being your wife, this is a separate account that she does not have access to. Then you can either do the shopping yourself, or put a couple hundred into her account for necessities. Don't be stingy with the cash, you should know about how much money you spend in a month on groceries. Don't cancel the cards unless you can afford to pay them off utterly, but it won't hurt you to get rid of some debt anyway.

 

From experience, equal-time joint custody SUCKS, but your daughter does need her momma. So offer one weekend a month and alternating holidays (momma gets Mother's Day, you get Father's Day, etc). You can give more time, but make it a concession that your ex has to ask for. Make it obvious to the judge and both attorneys that you are willing to give your daughter time with her momma, but that you will NOT surrender primary custody. This also means that you need to keep the house, because that's where your DAUGHTER lives. You can buy out your soon-to-be ex's part of the house, but make sure that's in the divorce decree.

 

This does make you a bit of a hard-ass, but the only thing going through your mind right now needs to be 'how do I protect my little girl?' Every step of your divorce plans needs to be centered around that, and you need to be verbal about 'What I care about is protecting my daughter'. That will give you the most leeway with the judge.

[zenman223 460]

Sorry to hear this man, I have no advice really that hasnt been given already but I would say when it comes to court PROOF of infidelity will go a long way in your favor. You need something like these:

http://www.geeks.com/details.asp?InvtId=2CH-WIRELESS-CAM&cpc=RESX

Hope it all works out for you in the end. Also GunFun is right, forgiveness is essential. It may seem impossible but its essential to ever finding peace with your situation.(and your wife)

[ironhead7544 35]

#1) No cheating Ho is worth Arrest, Fines, Time, Record & worst of all, loss of 2A Rights.

Fight the good fight for your lil'girl.

I strongly suggest doing the initial confrontation in a semi public place or with a trusted relative/friend present, this may help you restrain yourself if you blow your top.

This also protects you from false accusations of Domestic Violence... Witnesses.

Document conversations/meetings.

 

#2) Yeah, get proof of'er infidelities.

Will keep more cash and property in your possession, and if you seek custody it is a big plus.

Document everything.

 

#3) Yes, after the initial consultation, most lawyers require a retaining fee/deposit towards costs.

 

#4) Close all Bank Accounts, CCs, Investments & etc, take sole control of all finances.

Continue to fully support your lil'girl's interests... Pay all the bills for her, not the Ho.

Document everything.

 

#5) Remove all firearms to a trusted relative's/friend's safekeeping.

Again, this protects you from false accusations.

 

Good advice. I have been through this and it will be no picnic. It stinks bad. Best to stay away from her if possible. Do what the lawyer says.

 

I came home one day and she was gone. No note or anything. All the bills were months behind and all money gone. Protect yourself from this.

 

Talk to your friends, it will help.