Taco Hell Diablo Sauce

[Capt Nemo 882]

NEVER GIVE IT TO A CAT!!!!!

 

My friend got a new cat that just loves jumping up on the counter and chowing down whatever you're trying to make.  Turn your back to get something out of the fridge, and the little shit's chowin your steak.  Hit him with a squirt bottle and it's "Hey I'm muthafuckin eatin ere!"

 

Soooo.....We decided to hit Taco Hell and also get one for the cat.  We loaded a taco with 8 packets of the new Diablo sauce and set it on the counter, and then went in the living room to eat and watch a movie.  The cat then ran into the kitchen.  We heard the paper rustling as the cat went for the taco.  20 seconds later the cat flies out of the kitchen and stops in the center of the living room with it's eyes as big as dinner plates.  He bolts out of the room to the bedroom and back looking in total panic.  After running around for 15 minutes, he runs back into the kitchen and proceeds to eat every last crumb of that taco.  He then starts running around back and forth again for another half hour with his eyes still freaky wide.

 

Then he heads to the bathroom where the litter box is located.  We heard the cat screaming from the fire now comming out it's ass.  After the screaming stops, he comes through the living room and crop dusts a silent but nuclear fart that burned our eyes and made us damn near puke!  We unassed the AO to the porch till the room cleared.   

 

After the room cleared, we headed back inside to hear the cat screaming in the litter box again.  The Baja Blasts were starting to come through about now, so my friend tried to go into the bathroom, but opend and then shut the door quickly.  After damn near loosing his tacos he said, "No way in hell is anyone going in there!"  So he headed to the bush in front of the house to piss there.  I was third in line and just got done when.........My whole world whent white!   Oh shit!  It's the police! 

 

So we invited the police inside, and we were talking with them, and they weren't beliving our story of why we're pissing behind the bush.  Then the cat starts screaming again.  "That's the cat?" the officer asks.  "Yup!" is our reply.  So the older officer asks the rookie to check it out.  He opens the door and almost instantly bends over gagging as the stench hits him as if he got hit by pepper spray.  The older officer's jaw dropped as he watched his partner come back down the hallway with his eye's watering.  "Ahh....well....OK...Just try to be a little more discrete when peeing behind the bush, and have a good evening."

 

Don't know if we fixed the cat's attitude problem, but we definitly found a new riot control/defensive agent!  I don't know how bad that litter box was either, but I'd guess it was splatter bomb on the inside.

 

 

[Hawk451 2,230]

      Next time, put out some ice cream for desert. And maybe have a fire extinguisher close by JIC.

 

 

Thanks. I needed a good laugh. 'Bout fell out of my chair.

[ChileRelleno 7,071]

"... crop dusts a silent but nuclear..." Took me two minutes to stop laughing right there, and start reading again.

Thanks for the belly laughs.

[Sim_Player 1,939]

Damn. I hate cats, in general.

 

Everyone I know, who keep cats, just don't understand why their neighbors don't like them on their property!

[G O B 3,516]

Cut 2" pieces of gorilla tape. Put them sticky side up on every place the cat like to jump onto, like the kitchen table, and counters. Place them where they cannot be seen before jumping up on table or counter. 

 Laugh like a fool as the offending beast rolls on the floor fighting to get that damn sticky gorilla stuff off his paws. Repeat as necessary!

Last fur brained flea bag I had was so stupid it would start to forget how much it hated this -BUT- just showing the flea brained fur bag the duct tape roll was enough to keep it off the counter and table!

[HB of CJ 1,263]

Thank you.  A very good laugh which I needed right now.  I knew dogs did such farting, but not cats.  Not to that degree.  Thanks again.  HB

[Dogster 577]

Now THAT'S funny, don't care who you are! Capt., you have a talent for telling the story!

[patriot 7,197]

I LOVE that story!!!!

 

I did something similar to the dog we had at the transmitter site in Belgium back in the mid-late 1980s. He was SUCH a mooch! I was making lunch at work one day and he was being such a pest I grabbed the hot sauce, loaded a flour tortilla with it, rolled it up and dropped it on the floor. It was gone almost instantly. Bear was licking over and over, then he ran over to where his bowl should have been...it wasn't there. I had it in the sink to wash it. Still licking,he looked where the bowl goes, then looked at me; looked where the bowl goes, then looked at me;  looked where the bowl goes, then looked at me. over and over. I gave the bowl a quick rinse, filled it and put it on the floor. He drained it, slopping most of it on the floor in haste. Then, he looked at the sink, then looked at me..over and over. I gave him all the water he wanted, and thought no more of it. It took a good hour before he stopped flopping that big tongue of his back and forth.

 

At the end of my shift, I went home. When I came back, all the doors and windows in the building were open, and Bear was chained up outside. The first thing they said when I got in the building was: "What the HELL did you FEED that dog? He STINKS!" I told 'em "Hot sauce burrito. I got sick of his begging." They bitched me out for awhile, then I went out to see Bear, and he was all wagging tail and happy to see me. Typical Lab. I knelt down to pet him some, and Bear cut one, then whimpered. NASTY. Military grade, CS gas eye watering NASTY. Apparently even his farts burned. I got the fuck out of there and left him outside all night, with food and water. Every single time he farted, which was a lot, he whimpered....all night.

 

I almost felt bad for him...but it WAS funny!

 

He was OK in a couple of days, but he never did learn. He was still a mooch. He'd do it again in a heartbeat. Nice dog, but dumb.

[DLT 1,646]

My sister had a chow chow once that we tried all kinds of stuff to keep him off the furniture. Out of desperation we tried putting chili powder on his favorite sofa with zero effect. Later we caught him eating the pequin peppers that grow wild down here which explained why he probably laughed off the chili powder.

[Capt Nemo 882]

Stopped by my friend's place after work.  He had to drag the litter box out of the bathroom to the yard with a rope and then hose it in place.  I guessed right! the cat splatter bombed the litter box.

 

The only better story with my friend and cats is when his first wife tried to mow the cat's balls off with electric hair clippers.  The long hair cat didn't like to clean itself of klingons, and also it was hot that summer.  So she was clipping the cat and wondered why the cat went nuts when she went after the big matted dingleberry between the cat's legs.  She drew blood on that one!   That's the only cat I've felt sorry for!

[patriot 7,197]

LOFL

 

Too bad you don't have video!

[ktcm7271 999]

Best. cat story. ever!

[XdamagedX 248]

I'm happy to hear that this is a firsthand experience. It's funny anyway, but that makes it take the cake even more. LMAO!!!

[Capt Nemo 882]

Saw a great saying for this, "Bad decisions make great stories."

[HB of CJ 1,263]

And that is why we always used hand scissors when we trimmed hair and fur off our hunting dogs.  The German Shorthaired Pointers with long tails did not need much trimming.  The Yellow Labs did constantly.  Even the very quiet electric trimmers set them off.  Dunno why.  I still have a big pair of pet trimmers that I use on my beard.  I suppose they would also do double duty as sheep shears.  HB

[Spartacus 1,619]

Great story Capt.

 

Was sad to hear the Taco Bell kid tell me no more Diablo sauce for my tacos today.

It was a limited time thing from what he said.

 

I like to use one packet of Fire and one Diablo on each taco, they mix well.

 

The kid said I was about the third one today to ask for it and express my disappointment at the news.

 

Good thing I've been hoarding extras in the console of my Chevy.....

Taco Bell was out of Diablo sauce today, but I still have plenty left.   

[Gzus Kryst 53]

Had a cat who liked to jump on the table. Did it once while I was sitting there crushing hot peppers from the garden, go figure the cat got curious, so i like my finger dipped it in the peppers and gave her a drag over the tongue. Cat was rolling on the floor making some god awful noise and frothing from the mouth so bad I thought I gave it rabies. never saw it on the table again... or at all for like 2 weeks.