patriot 7,197 Posted April 10, 2011 Report Share Posted April 10, 2011 > > How to Give a Cat a Pill > > 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if > holding a baby. > > > > Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and > gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As > cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. > > Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. > > > 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. > > > > Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.. > > > 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. > > > > > 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear > paws tightly with left hand. > > > > Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. > Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. > > > 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. > > > > > > Call spouse in from the garden. > > > > 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and > rear paws. > > > > Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with > one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler > and rub cat's throat vigorously. > > > > 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. > > > Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair > curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth > and set to one side for gluing later. > > > > 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just > visible from below armpit.. > > > > Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and > blow down drinking straw > > > > 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one > beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove > blood from carpet with cold water and soap. > > > > 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. > > > > Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close > door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert > spoon.. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. > > > 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on > hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. > > > > Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last > tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back > another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. > > > 12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the > tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence > while swerving to avoid cat. > > > > Take last pill from foil wrap. > > > 13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *%^'s > front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of > dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet > steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of > water down throat to wash pill down. > > > > > > 14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the > emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm > and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way > home to order new table. > > > > 15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local > pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. > > > > > How To Give A Dog A Pill > > 1. Wrap it in bacon. > > 2. Toss it in the air. 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bvamp 604 Posted April 10, 2011 Report Share Posted April 10, 2011 LOL. i know that all too well, but my technique is a lot different, and the cat hates me the rest of the day afterward. 1 pick cat up by jaw with thumb and index finger from rear of head. 2 squeeze till cat opens mouth 3 jam pill down cats throat 4 hold cats mouth shut and cover its nose until you feel toungue move, and it swallows it 5 put antiseptic on your arms where cat tried to do plastic surgery with its claws on your forearms 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
BpS12 512 Posted April 10, 2011 Report Share Posted April 10, 2011 Hmm, I live with a Vet, no problems to speak of, lol. Might be cheaper/less painful to support your local Vet clinic. Worse case scenario, they dope it, lol. But I've been there, dogs rock Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ChileRelleno 7,071 Posted April 11, 2011 Report Share Posted April 11, 2011 Just shoot the damned cat with your Saiga... They make for great target practice. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Dad2142Dad 6,559 Posted April 11, 2011 Report Share Posted April 11, 2011 It gets eaiser with practice Quote Link to post Share on other sites
patriot 7,197 Posted April 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 11, 2011 Here's another one: How To Give A Cat A Bath 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of pet shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted. 3. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge of the toilet, as his paws - and claws - will be reaching out for any object they can find. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective. Ignore the noises coming from inside the toilet. You cat loves this and is loudly expressing near-ecstasy from the powerwash, 6. Have someone open the door to the outside, and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside, where he will proceed to dry himself. Sincerely, The Family Dog Quote Link to post Share on other sites
22_Shooter 1,560 Posted April 11, 2011 Report Share Posted April 11, 2011 > How To Give A Dog A Pill > > 1. Wrap it in bacon. > > 2. Toss it in the air. I used to do the same exact thing when I had 2 cats, but with cheese. Never a problem. I learned real quick not to mess with cats any more than I had to. Feisty little bastards who'll slice you up good, given the chance. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sly 233 Posted April 12, 2011 Report Share Posted April 12, 2011 WTF? How I give my dog a pill. 1. Tape pill to back of cat's head. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Saiga_rom 91 Posted April 12, 2011 Report Share Posted April 12, 2011 it seems like it might be hazardous to try and force a cat to take a pill. maybe you could try making a small milkshake in the blender and chopping up the pill into dust, then putting it in the milkshake, or maybe in some other kind of food Quote Link to post Share on other sites
patriot 7,197 Posted April 12, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 12, 2011 it seems like it might be hazardous to try and force a cat to take a pill. maybe you could try making a small milkshake in the blender and chopping up the pill into dust, then putting it in the milkshake, or maybe in some other kind of food PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST! ....it's a JOKE! Besides, I only like cats ONE way, ...with cashews. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
kdbutler 563 Posted April 12, 2011 Report Share Posted April 12, 2011 Give it to the cat as a suppository, and see him try to spit that pill out THIS time. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
joelrod47 373 Posted April 13, 2011 Report Share Posted April 13, 2011 An aid in all cat-related activities............. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
patriot 7,197 Posted April 13, 2011 Author Report Share Posted April 13, 2011 Jeaux, The damned cat squirmed out of my carrier. It didn't work right the 1st time, so I changed the retention screw for one six inches longer. It works like a charm, but kitty stopped moving.....I think there's something wrong with him. He got cold too. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
G O B 3,516 Posted April 13, 2011 Report Share Posted April 13, 2011 To gve cat a pill: 1. Buy cheap goldfish. 2. Stuff pill down fish. 3. You know what comes next! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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