Range House Coffee

[ChileRelleno 7,071]

Originally posted here, http://m14forum.com/geedunk/167652-range-house-coffee-its-uses.html

I took a little leeway & edited the original for spelling, grammar, structure & punctuation.

Range House Coffee and Its Uses.

©09/14, rk cohen

In regards to the multiple uses for range house coffee and disgruntled members therein.
It seems as though by a certain time in most folk’s lives, almost everyone develops the talent for making coffee to their liking.
And then there’s Range House coffee made by the ancient crusty types believing that “Crusty Coffee” works at a level of satisfaction to most – most of the time – whether they like it or not.
Hell, it was good enough for real men on the beach at Normandy….

It wasn’t until recently (in geologic terms) that I realized how “Outside the loop” I was.
Going in to a Starstruck’s coffee shop with my grandkids, I found myself somewhat bewildered by the myriad combinations of jo.
Who knew caffeine was an interpretive dance art form? I felt under dressed for the occasion.
When the girl behind the counter asked for our order, one of the kids ordered something that would cause grievous injury if I were to try and repeat it…
Remembering our range house brewmaster’s “Crusty Coffee,” I ordered what I grew up with in college, which was something we called a “Shot in the ark.”.
It was a “Break in Case of Emergency” sort of thing for those times when mid-term exams were the next morning and you had only started reading the material at 2130 the night before.

Standing behind the counter, Moonbeam looked confused and asked me to describe what I wanted.
Telling her that a “Shot in the Dark” was strong jo with a shot of Espresso in it, she daintily laughed and said “We call that a Red Eye!”
Oh really? Do tell, is there a name if it has two shots? “Why of course – it’s called a Black Eye.”
Now the hook was set!  “So, what if it has three shots – do you call it a Cross Eyed?”
At this, “Moonbeam” burst out laughing, my grandsons running and diving for cover, the shame and embarrassment of an old coot causing this cute young thing to giggle uncontrollably, being too much to be identified with!

Which brings us back to plain, simple, straight black jo and “Crusty.”

Around our camp, most of the boys bring a thermos from home with their version of the truth, 'Jo in a Can' varies considerably from man to man, a caveat of warning to the uninitiated!  Or, unsuspectingly (maybe bravely) they go to the range house for a cup of 'Crusty Jo'.

Some time back at one of our club meetings, a member put forward a motion declaring only certain members would have access to the 'Silver Bullet' and would make it according to a rigid set of directions posted at that station.
The incumbent brew master, 'Crusty' was visibly miffed as his name was not on the list!
Which started a running name calling campaign that would make the Lincoln County range wars look like a Machiavellian effort to further Baby Duck Awareness.
One of the remarks made to codify the brewing process was based on the premise that the current caffeinated liquid had been observed to soften the bottom of the styrofoam cups and may have been considered a hazmat condition requiring an EPA survey.
This I suspect was done to cause panic, thereby swaying member votes!
To his credit however, before Crusty goes home in the evening, the old coffee gets poured out along the baseline of our range house.
And working his way around the facility, has over time, proven to create a terrific barrier against insect intrusion.

There is a story from before my arrival on the scene (imagine my surprise as a senior citizen being called “kid”) that one of our members was on the firing line and suddenly grabbed his chest, grimacing and crying out, he fell from the bench he was sitting at and went still.
Some of the guys tried “shake and shout” while others naturally started arguing over which way to administer CPR, while others said they,
“... knew where his mouth had been and he was as good as gone.”
Apparently Crusty was one of the jo guys that day and he calmly walked over to the range house, came back with a cup of 'Crusty Jo', tilted the recently expired club member’s head back and poured in the normally detestable brew.
Immediately, 'Lazarus' jolted into an upright sitting position with both legs shaking, gagging and coughing, he began swearing violently.
He was back!

With a great sigh of relief we all knew we had not lost a dues paying member..
Crusty simply walked back to his station, calmly turned and said “Told you.”

And the name calling continues to this day.

 

[Matthew Hopkins 1,065]

wow, that was awfully a long trip for something that isn't  even remotely  funny

Edited October 8, 2014 by Matthew Hopkins

[Ronin38 2,117]

^ The sign of a young 'un who just doesn't have an appreciation for a well-spun yarn. 

[ChileRelleno 7,071]

wow, that was awfully a long trip for something that isn't  even remotely  funny

That old saying, "You can please some of the people..."

 

I used to tend bar on Harbor Tour/Ferry boats in SD, SoCal, I made coffee for the crew & dock gang.

I called it cowboy coffee, basically triple strength Jo with a pinch of salt in the grind to cut bitterness.

The guys initially thought I was crazy, but drank it, within a month they were addicted to it's 'Kick'.

Regular coffee was too weak for us...  Then we got an Espresso machine.

Edited October 8, 2014 by ChileRelleno

[RED333 1,025]

Good story!

Years ago when Starbucks came to town I went in, like in the story I looked at all the "drinks" to be had.

Well all I wanted was a cup of "coffee" and that is what I asked for.

The girl just looked at me and said, what flavor? I said "Max well House", that went as well as the story.

Got my coffee for free that day anf have never been back to Starbucks, that cup of coffee was bad.

[saltydecimator 482]

good to the last drop!!!

[G O B 3,516]

There was a 10 gallon coffee pot on the Sub., normally cleaned every day around 0:100. Except at battle stations. During one of the 'hotter' cold war encounters, we had been at battle stations for 4 days. The Chief sent me to the chow hall to "Break us off a couple hunks of coffee".

[storm6490 2,768]

ROFL!

 

Good quick read as I drink my toxic brew.

[DLT 1,646]

The coffee at my old job could give a person with straight hair a fro. That shit was like drinking hot highway tar. My homebrew is so smooth you can drink it black with no sugar and it's still a little sweet.

[Matthew Hopkins 1,065]

^ The sign of a young 'un who just doesn't have an appreciation for a well-spun yarn. 

 

 

I'm hardly a "young un".  and no,  I don't have a appreciation for long drawn out pointless ramblings 

Edited October 8, 2014 by Matthew Hopkins

[DogMan 2,343]

I've had my share of rot gut coffee. No more for me, thanks. I've been making my own cold brew coffee for years ever since I got ulcers. Cold brewing doesn't extract any of the acid from the coffee grounds and it's really smooth. For anyone who develops stomach problems but doesn't want to give up their coffee it's a good alternative.

[termite 463]

Our coffee comes straight from Brazil, 30 kilos at a time from our friend down there. It's REAL coffee and taste great. A "coffee cup" at the plant in Brazil is about the size of the tiny pill cups they use in the hospital. Last time I went down, I took my own coffee cup and they like to have shit, I was only allowed 1 cup all day, but needless to say, even being awake since 6:00 a.m. the day before, flying all night, arriving in Sao Paulo at about 8:00 a.m., I was good to go until about 10:00 p.m. that night, and when the batteries ran down, I crashed and burned, big time. The box that it comes in are all printed in Portuguese, so we don't even bother with trying to figure out what it says, but drinking this stuff is like the afterburners on a F-18, and if you don't have time to brew it, it's ground so fine, you could snort it.

[Ronin38 2,117]

One of my college roomies was in the Army Reserves, a Tanker in Fort Huachuca, AZ. He always brought home the extra MRE's he'd get from his weekend maneuvers and taught us "civvies" about Ranger Coffee. From the MRE, take the coffee, hot chocolate, sugar and creamer packets, and combine all of 'em in a cup of hot water.

 

Worked to keep us awake through finals, at least.